I’m coming out. My name is Alice, and I sleep-trained my daughter. I let her cry while she learned to go to sleep on her own. Yes, I let her cry-it-out.
I have since learned that letting babies cry is very controversial. Spend a little time on parenting forums or blogs, and you will find that some feel cry-it-out (CIO) is akin to child abuse. Recently, there have been several online articles that claim there is scientific evidence that CIO can cause lasting damage to a child’s brain. The Psychology Today article by Darcia Narvaez (Dangers of “Crying It Out”) was widely shared and retold to huge audiences on Babble, Huffington Post, and Yahoo Shine.
I read these articles with concern. Many, many families use some form of CIO and find that it helps everyone in the family sleep better. As the theories about CIO and brain damage bounced around parenting communities, I wondered how many families were second-guessing the choices they had made. Were their kids really at risk for brain damage and long-term relationship problems?
Closer to my heart, had my decisions put BabyC at risk? My love for my daughter is beyond words. The focus of my every day is on doing the best thing for her, and to me that means being sensitive, respectful, responsive, and patient. Some days, I am overwhelmed by the weight of that responsibility, but that is motherhood, isn’t it? When someone tells me that I may have harmed my child, I take it very seriously.
Sleep is intensely personal, and writing about this topic is hard for me, but I feel that CIO is something that I have to write about. When a parenting practice becomes controversial and “hot-button,” as CIO has, we often shy away from talking about it. None of us like to feel judged, and I personally have no interest in judging others. While the loudest voices continue to shout rhetoric, many parents internalize the self-doubt and then feel paralyzed with fear that they are making the wrong choices for their kids. I want to write about this topic with open-hearted honesty and respect for all the different ways families find to get sleep.
This is the first in a series of at least three posts on sleep and stress in babies. In future posts, I will focus on what science tells us about the risks and benefits of sleep training. My goal is to provide parents with an honest interpretation of the science so that they can make informed decisions about sleep in their families. This is important to me, because while I have seen many articles citing science in discussing the risks of CIO, all of these writers have an obvious anti-CIO bias and are not presenting a balanced view of the research with all its limitations. (As a rule of thumb, if you ever read an article citing scientific evidence that doesn’t mention its limitations, the author has not presented the full story.)
Of course, how sleep looks for any given child depends on age and temperament, as well as parenting philosophy. For example, families that choose to co-sleep may find there is never a need for CIO, but co-sleeping is not right for all families. Even with co-sleeping, there is sometimes a need for a transition (less nighttime nursing, for example) that is faced with resistance from baby. My hope is that my posts on this topic will empower parents to focus on trying to understand and respect the needs of each child, within the context of their family, rather than worry about someone else’s opinion about how you and your baby should get sleep.
One problem with talking about CIO is that it has many definitions. Some assume that CIO means putting the baby down for bed, shutting the door, and not returning until morning, but I think that very few families actually try this method. Most families use some version of the method popularized by Richard Ferber, which involves letting the baby cry but returning to comfort her at gradually increasing intervals. Other families may allow the baby to cry but stay with her during this time, perhaps gradually removing that presence as the baby becomes more comfortable falling asleep on her own. There are countless variations of “sleep training” and CIO, because all babies and all parents are different in the way they handle this transition. I use the term CIO, but to me, it means asking the baby to fall asleep, at some point without parental presence, and accepting that some crying may be involved in this process. I also want to separate this discussion from night wakings. We can ask babies to fall asleep on their own but still respond to their needs for food and comfort during the night.
What did sleep training look like in our house?
Beyond the first week or two of her life, sleep did not come easily to BabyC. She rarely fell asleep while nursing, and while my friends’ babies were lulled to sleep in the car, BabyC screamed through entire car rides. The one magical combination that worked to sooth her and help her sleep was to swaddle her, put her in a sling, and bounce on an exercise ball. Husband and I spent more time bouncing on that ball, day and night, than any other single activity during the first few months of BabyC’s life.
Soon, BabyC knew of only two ways to go to sleep: going for a walk in a front carrier and bouncing on that damn ball. We took lots of walking naps during the day, but I couldn’t walk all night long. And so, we bounced. As BabyC got older, she required more and more bouncing to get to a deep sleep, often 30-60 minutes by the time she was a few months old. Then we would stealthily ease her into her bed, but she would often wake up as soon as the bouncing stopped, and we’d have to start the process all over again. She was also waking about every 45 minutes between her initial 9 PM bedtime and midnight. At these times and later in the night, I would see if BabyC wanted to nurse, and then we would go through the bouncing routine all over again to get her back to sleep. It is one thing to bounce for an hour at 9 PM, but at 3 AM, it is an entirely different endeavor.
At this point, we had already “sleep-trained” BabyC. We had trained her (or she had trained us, depending on your perspective) to need bouncing in order to sleep. I hated the thought that her brain only knew how to transition to sleep when it was bouncing up and down. And I hated the feeling that I was trying to trick her by bouncing her to sleep and then sneaking her into bed, fingers crossed that she wouldn’t notice that the movement had stopped. Of course, all babies have developed strong sleep associations by this age. Some require a nipple in their mouth, be it boob, bottle, or pacifier, to fall asleep. Some babies need to be rocked to sleep, and some prefer a mechanical swing. A friend’s baby simply needed to be swaddled in his crib – his eyes drifted shut just as she was tucking in the blanket.
None of these things worked for my baby. In hindsight, I wonder what we could have done differently from the very start so that we didn’t end up in this bouncing dilemma, but I think many new parents find themselves in a similar situation. After all, everyone tells you to do whatever works to soothe the baby and help her sleep. Bouncing worked, until it didn’t.
When she was three months old, we decided that we needed to break BabyC’s sleep association with bouncing. I decided to transition her to rocking to sleep. That at least seemed more restful than bouncing, and I figured we could then slowly work on falling asleep without motion. We would snuggle into the rocking chair for a quiet bedtime routine of nursing and reading. Finally, I held her close and sang her sweet lullabies. And BabyC? She wailed. She cried in my arms for up to an hour at a time before every nap and every nighttime sleep. She was exhausted but didn’t know how to go to sleep. She looked at me, pleadingly, as if to ask, “It is time to sleep – why won’t you just bounce me?” I told her, in my calmest, most patient voice, “BabyC, we aren’t going to bounce to sleep anymore. This is the new way to fall asleep.” I kept this up for two weeks – trying fast rocking, slow rocking, and simply holding her with stillness – but she wasn’t buying it. Letting her cry in my arms wasn’t working, and I had a sense of doom that if it ever did, we would then be saddled with a new sleep association that we would need to break.
At this point, I finally had to admit that my presence wasn’t helping BabyC in her struggle to fall asleep. This is a very difficult thing for a new mother to do. For the first time, I had to accept that I couldn’t buffer her from every struggle in life. She needed a little space to learn to sleep on her own.
And so, one night, after our bedtime routine, Husband and I put a tired BabyC in her crib and told her that it was time to go to sleep. We told her that we knew this was hard for her and that it was hard for us, too. We told her that we loved her more than anything, and then we left. She cried, and we returned periodically to reassure her with a gentle voice and touch. The first night, there was a lot of crying, but by the third night, she fussed for only a few minutes before falling asleep.
Over the course of a few days, BabyC went from being a baby who struggled to fall asleep, despite all of our soothing, to a baby that went to sleep easily on her own and only woke once per night to nurse. (She continued to have one nighttime feeding until she dropped it on her own around 8 months.) She went from having fragmented nighttime sleep of about 8 hours to sleeping 12 hours per night. We would often wake to the sound of her babbling contentedly in her crib after a good night’s sleep, whereas before our mornings began abruptly with the sound of her crying. She was more cheerful and engaged during the day, and she cried less overall, certainly less than she did when I was letting her cry in my arms. I was finally getting some sleep, too, and I no longer had that horrible feeling of resentment that sometimes crept into my heart when I was bouncing BabyC at 2 AM, my back and neck aching. I was well-rested and able to be a responsive, sensitive mom, day and night.
I don’t doubt that sleep training was stressful to BabyC for a few nights, and I would probably do things a bit differently the next time around, but for us, the benefits to our entire family were beyond measure. However, I want to assure you that I did not set out on my research on this topic looking for justification for CIO. Husband and I hope to have another child someday, and I genuinely want to know if CIO is safe before I consider using it with kid #2. And as always, I take very seriously the responsibility of explaining science honestly on this blog. I did not pick and choose research to support one side or the other – I simply describe what I found and what I think it means.
Stay tuned for my posts on the science of sleep and stress in babies. In the meantime, I would love to hear how you helped your babies get to sleep, whether or not it involved crying. The more stories we can share with each other about what worked in our families, the more we realize that there is no one-size-fits-all solution.
Alice, great blog post. I think it’s important that we parents find a way to support each other through making some very hard decisions rather than tearing each other down because we disagree or don’t share every philosophy or approach. Unfortunately, there will always be people who criticize, because that’s their character. My family bedshares/co-sleeps, and my son is nearly two. According to some in my circle, I am harming him *immensely* by not training him to sleep by himself in his own room. I have friends who secretely bedshare with their preschooler…secretly not because there’s something wrong with it, but because it is socially unacceptable, not unlike nursing a kindergartener, for example. When I’m asked for advice, I share the no-cry sleep solutions that I’ve found to be successful, and then let. it. go. We all need to give each other space to experiment and find the rhythm that works for our individual families, and respect that we are all doing the very best that we know how to do. Much love to you and BabyC and Mr. Alice!
I’m a big believer in the thought that there are many wonderful, healthy ways to parent and that it doesn’t help anyone (certainly not our kids!) to judge others’ parenting as “harmful.” (Within reason – hitting kids, for example, is never OK in my book, but that is a statement that is well-supported by solid research.) It is crazy that we sometimes feel that we can’t be open with each other about how we sleep, because there is probably a lot we could learn from each other about one of the hardest parts of parenting! Just as you have friends who secretly bedshare, I have found myself whispering about CIO in public places, feeling nervous about being judged. Thanks for your thoughtful comment. I hope this can help open a non-judgmental discussion here.
We did CIO for our daughter. As an infant she had no sleep problems and was a good sleeper- sleeping through the night, on her own, by 8 weeks! Then there was the dreaded 4 month wakeful period and her sleep went to cr*p. She could put herself to sleep at bedtime with no problem, but would wake up frequently in the night. FInally, after months of sleep deprivation for everyone, her waking every couple of hours and needing to be nursed back to sleep, we decided to CIO/sleep train.
We knew she could sleep through the night- since she’d done it on her own for 2+ months before the 4 month wakeful period.
Since we were in a 1BR apartment, there was nowhere for us to go in the middle of the night while she cried. We’d get up, rub her back, shush her, then get back in bed, laying there while she cried. We’d shush her from our bed and she knew we were there, so it was by no means abandoning her. And yes, there were times where she got so worked up that we abandoned the training and picked her up to comfort her. It wasn’t a stringent process. We did what seemed right at the time.
It took a couple of weeks to get her completely sleep trained- where she wouldn’t wake up in the night at all, or would only want a drink of water or a diaper change before going back to sleep quickly on her own. However, within a few days of starting CIO, her sleep improved noticeably.
I’m looking forward to your review of this literature. As you said- the vast majority of coverage on this topic has a clear bias, with the most vocal being those who rail against it.
My son still wakes 5+ times during the night. He’ll be 2 in April. I nurse him to sleep and he nurses during his night wakings, too. I tried CIO for 3 nights when he was 9 months old. It always resulted in vomit, and he was getting really sick and had pneumonia. I know they aren’t linked. I felt like a horrible mother when I went to check on him and he was so tired but couldn’t lay down because there was barf all over him and his bed. Night weaning has proven very difficult. I don’t want him to barf at 2 am, and I am also so sleep deprived that I know if I put my boob in his mouth, we can both go back to sleep. So, I’m choosing to wait it out and wean gently, and just hope it’s all over in a year or so. I’m glad CIO worked for your family, I agree that it’s not for every one, or even every baby. The next one might respond differently.
Oh, that sounds so difficult – I’m sure I would have done the same thing (if my baby nursed to sleep!). I definitely agree that CIO is not for all babies. It is too stressful for some, and some just won’t respond to it at all. I think when it works, it usually works very quickly. When it doesn’t, your instinct tells you that this is not the way to go and you look for other solutions. Good luck – maybe we’ll hear from others here who have found no-cry solutions that might help you as well.
Great post, Alice. I’m so glad you’re addressing this topic. I look forward to seeing what you find.
Thank you Alice for such a thoughtful post. I had a horrible time getting my firstborn to self soothe and as a pediatrician, I was certain that eventually CIO would be the way to go. Problem is, when I did try with him, I was met with dry heaving, vomiting, red in the face, and no signs of calming down whatsoever. I ditched CIO fairly quickly. But do have to say, he is still a difficult one to get to sleep (and he’s 7!). My second, was and still is, always a fantastic sleeper. Never had to do any of the “tricks” or co-sleep that my son needed. I chalked it up to different temperament and nighttime parenting sleep needs. Sleep certainly is so intensely personal and no one should feel judged on how they find it. I wonder though, in the end..it’s really our children showing us what they need, instead of the other way around. I had to get creative with my son and think outside the box when it came time for bed. My daughter? She needed to sleep and that’s what she did. I hope as you, that parents feel empowered to find the right solution for their own family based on their and their child’s needs instead of being boxed in by any “should dos”…life just doesn’t work that way. And? Hallelujah!! for a sleeping child…congratulations mama
I let my daughter, who is a great sleeper (now, she used to wake every 45 minuutes…), cry it out around 5 months old. It took about three nights, and now two years later, other than when she is sick or scared, she falls asleep nicely, and even sometimes asks to be put to bed. I am terrified of transitioning her to a toddler bed soon, as I know she will get up and want to come and find me…and I am afraid that her ability to speak clearly will melt my resolve about putting herself to sleep. It is terrible to hear “I want to sleep in your bedroom, mommy.” and have to say no when my heart is screaming “Okay! Hop in!”. but I know, I am a miserable mother without good sleep…and for everyone in my family, a rested mother is very important.
I love your honesty, Alice! I have 3 kids, with 3 different experiences with sleeping and eating. Baby 3 was my most difficult. She fussed all day long. She projectile vomited after every feeding. The only time she wasn’t fussing or crying was when I was holding her, she was in the baby carrier (front pack), or in the swing. It was exhausting, as I had a toddler and a preschooler to handle as well. Baby 3 was finally diagnosed with reflux and put on medication, which reduced some of the daytime fussing and vomiting, but now I had to deal with getting her to sleep without me holding her in some way. After about 4 nights of CIO, she was able to put herself to sleep. But during those 4 nights, I sat outside her door, or at the bottom of the steps in tears, while Baby 3 wailed away. My strategy was to wait 15 minutes, and then go to her room, pat her back, reassure her and leave again. Each night, she cried less, and I made fewer trips to her room. It was not easy, but certainly helped everyone in the long run. She’s almost 10 now, and a great sleeper! Good luck to you!
Great post Alice . Grace and I have had many talks about this. Massage and stretching can help. A nice warm bath,rubbing lotion and massaging before a story etc.I also look forward to your next piece about sleep.
Bless you for having the courage and conviction to write this. This is our EXACT story. That damned exercise ball became our savior and then the bane of our existence. He could not sleep without it…not even on me/with me/ near me, etc. It was about five days of the worst emotional trauma (for me) of my life, and I did not do it lightly (in fact waiting until he was at least 4 1/2 months old because I so firmly believe that those first 3-4 months are a “fourth trimester”, and they’re just not neurologically capable of self soothing at that point). By the end of the week, he was sleeping like a champ–12-13 hours a night, plus good naps during the day. Now, at 20 months old, he asks for “night night”, happily babbles away in his bed for up to an hour at time before drifting off, plays with his stuffed animals acting out his experiences of the day, and even sometimes asks for a book to “read” before sleep. He loves his crib and his personal time in it, and his Papa and I get much needed rest and personal time. I agree with you that so much of the “research” is coming from clearly anti-cio contingents (and also coming from people who are too black and white in their understanding of what CIO can mean), and I very much look forward to reading your continued information on it. I also love that you are distinguishing between using CIO to help a baby learn to fall asleep vs middle of the night wakings. I use my judgement with each one of those…often he fusses for a minute or two and gets himself right back down, but if I sense that he needs me in any way, I’m always right there. In doing so, I feel like we are able to communicate to him that we trust him to meet his own needs and we’re also there to help whenever he asks for it or feels he needs us. So glad to have found your blog!
“That damned exercise ball became our savior and then the bane of our existence.” Yes! Once I decided I was done with the ball, I actually had to move it to a back room of our house so that I wouldn’t be tempted to jump on it all the time and we could learn other ways to soothe! (I still kept it around for many months for “emergency” situations.) Glad we weren’t the only ones. And yes to not taking CIO lightly as well. I don’t think any of us take this lightly.
What a thoughful, carefully written piece on a very hot -topic mommy subject! I recently shared my sleep journey with four boys… very different from yours, almost completely the other way around, but you may find it interesting none-the-less. It’s so interesting how our different experiences shape the way we view this topic.
http://realchilddevelopment.com/parenting/infant-sleep-cio-sleep-training
Thank you for sharing your experience. They are all important. I may very well need “no-cry” solutions in the future and will draw on the wisdom and experience of parents who have these to work.
I want to thank you for your honest -and brave post. We mamas really benefit when we can share openly and support each other without judgement!
My first baby nursed to sleep from the beginning, no matter time of day or night. We had an Arm’s Reach Co-Sleeper next to our bed, and he slept there or actually in bed next to me (depending in my level of exhaustion!). Our doctor encouraged us to sleep train him in his own bedroom between 4 and 6 mos – she explained this was a critical period during which babies must learn to put themselves to sleep. I did not agree that he was ready for this, though we tried anyway. He refused to sleep unless he was next to Mama. Once he was able to sit up, we moved the mattress level all the way down in the Co-sleeper; he refused to even lay down in it. We tried again when he was 9 mos old. He screamed hysterically ALL night long – even though my husband was sitting on the floor right next to him, rubbing his back and soothing him. He even fell asleep standing up a few times, but as soon as husband tried to lay him down he was awake and screaming again. I continued to nurse him to sleep at bed time, several times through out the night and also at nap time. We placed a queen mattress on the floor in his room and that is where we nursed and he slept, day and night.
He will be 3 this month and sleep is still often a major struggle with him – though it seems to go in phases of better and then worse again..He has a “big boy” (toddler) bed, which he was very excited about and even slept in for a while – but he then returned to throwing tantrums at sleepy time. Some nights we would sit next to his bed for 60 or 90 minutes before he finally fell asleep – only to awaken again in another hour or so and begin the whole process again. As you can imagine, both my husband and I are very frustrated. We try to get things done while our toddler is sleeping – things for ourselves as well as for the home/family. We can’t do this well when we are spending so much of the day tending to a child who is fighting his sleep (yes, he IS sleepy!!), or grumpy because he is not getting enough/good sleep. When I have to do “adult” things while our toddler is awake, then I am not remaining connected with him and the cycle worsens. He is now napping in his bed during the day (often he protests this but I gently, firmly insist) and sleeping in our bed at night. He will usually nap 1-2 hours, but will always wake at least once and I have to go in to comfort him back to sleep. One of us must stay with him while he falls asleep – he absolutely refuses to go to sleep otherwise. I feel like we have tried everything! We are now reading books on “high-needs” and “spirited” children. What else to do?!
Many of our family and friends chose a version of cry-it-out. I do not judge their decisions; I respect their knowledge of their child’s personality. I am happy that it worked for them – and a bit jealous, frankly! Most are not overtly judgmental of our parenting decisions. However, plenty of comments are made (or certain tones of voice used) that indicate clearly what they think: we brought this on ourselves by not letting him cry it out; we didn’t try hard/long enough; we are too “soft” with him; we should have used a crib. My mother even suggested that perhaps we could contact The Nanny (from that television program)!! I have met other parents who chose to use the “Montessori from the Beginning” (not using a crib is one of the things included in this method) – none have had these issues. I am always questioning – Have I done something “wrong?” Is there some kind of food allergy that is causing him to have difficulty falling/remaining asleep? -some kind of chemical imbalance in his little body? -is that even possible with babies/toddlers?!
Anyway – sorry for the book! We just had baby #2 on January 1st. I really don’t think I have the strength to go through all this again. I AM questioning whether cry-it-out should be an option for #2. Should we get a crib? My own experience has been that you can not sleep train a child who can freely get up and out of his bed and room … I am looking forward to your follow-up posts on this topic! Thank you.
I think there is no point in second-guessing ourselves. As you can probably tell from my post, though, I have done plenty of second-guessing myself, even though I am happy to now have a great sleeper! I wish I could give you some advice on your little boy. The one thing I will say is that a child his age can understand if you tell him that you are going to do things a new way at bedtime, even if he protests a lot. As for #2, I hope my coming posts will help you to know whether sleep training is something you feel comfortable with. Or – fingers crossed – you may have payed your dues with #1 and be blessed with an easy sleeper in #2!
Great post. I am really looking forward to your research. I love that you look into this stuff. Sleep is such a big thing in babies and little kids lives. Getting enough good sleep is a skill/trait/ideal for everyone and as a teacher I have seen the effects on children who struggle to get to sleep or who continue to wake often in the night. I looks like you did the right thing for your family.
I had the same experience than you. I was “forced” to CIO out of exhaustion. I try first to stay in the room so he would not feel alone but he got so furious!!!. Then I left the room to cry and he just gave up!. Next day he only cry a few minutes, but he never never accepted me in the room, like it was an affront. My second baby slept through the night since age 4 month and will kick me to put her on her crib. I admire the parents that sacrifice and go without CIO, but I do know that for many babies is a valuable experience and a solution for their parents.
An excellent post! We co-sleep (but do not “bed share”) mainly because – and this is going to sound very selfish – it’s the best way for *ME* to get sleep. I work in a lab….along with needing to be mentally alert throughout the day, my job is very physically taxing – I *NEED* sleep. Co-sleeping, I can easily check on her during the night and if she wakes, I bring her into the bed with me and doze while she nurses. When she pops off, I return her to the crib and I go right back to sleep. When we first brought my daughter home, she slept in a cradle. We have just transitioned her to a crib, but it is still in our bedroom. We did this same process with my 11 y/o daughter….when the time came, we moved her crib into a room that she already knew as “hers”. I’m hoping the move goes as smoothly this time ;^)
I think part of the “CIO” problem is the overall lack of understanding in the way it should be done. Again, this isn’t for me….More than anything, *I* need to be able to easily check on the baby. I know every family has their own way of doing things and I know things don’t always work out the way we all plan – there’s no reason that even in parenting, we can’t learn and grow. But I think what *really* gives “CIO” such a bad rap is all the people that hear the name or advice from others to let their babies just cry it out and that’s just what they do…..put the baby down, close the door and let her howl till the sun comes up. If only people took as much time to look into parenting styles as they do into buying a new TV!!
I look forward to reading the rest of your posts on this topic – peace ;^)
Wow a very honest article! I am a CIO mum, however I did it from day 1. I have 2 daughters and am expecting my third in July. I had a very strict routine with my babies and we had no problems. I fed them at certain times and only at those times. I did all my routines in 6 week blocks just to ensure we didn’t have any habits emerge. This would include things like wrapping: I would wrap my baby tight (like they show you in hospital) and after 6 weeks I would still wrap but not so tight, and this went on until by about the 3rd or 4th time she was sleeping without needing to be wrapped. My husband and I work full time and my parents had my babies so it was important for me to establish routines from an early stage, please don’t get me wrong, my babies never went without anything, they just had things at certain times. We had babies that slept through from the beginning, it was hard work but very successful. I agree with the quality for the family and what works best for you and appreciated the people above responding without judgement as I am happy for anyone to do what works best for them but not happy when they comment on my way in a negative way. I did find many challenges with sleep with my friends who had babies as they would pick them up straight away where as mine would be able to self soothe, you do get tuts and little head shakes but in my defence I had a good night sleep and very refreshed days and my girls now are very independent and enjoy a good 12 hour sleep!! Thank you for your article and I am very interested in your future posts. I really enjoy reading about scientific responses about parenting and I do take things on board.
My babe was a fantastic sleeper until about 4 months… well she still sleeps well, it’s just the getting her off to sleep part that changed. But it also seems to change all the time, what worked last week, won’t work this week. A few weeks ago we had to rock her to sleep in a rocker as she just didn’t want to BF to sleep… now (her top 2 teeth are coming in) she just wants to be on me and will fall asleep either BFing or in a carrier (or both at once)… but it doesn’t take long to fall asleep so it works fine, I just take the dog for a walk or do some housework with her in a carrier when it’s sleep time. She sleeps extremely well through the night, but does hang off my boob a lot (again, this is fine by me, I sleep through it). However, sometimes she gets a bit hysterical and the only thing that works is to hold her in my arms and walking around BFing. I have never tried CIO, but also don’t feel the need to because what I do (all the different things) work fine. My friend just swaddles her baby and leaves her in the cot, she chats away to herself for a while and then falls asleep! There’s no way my munchkin would stand for that LOL.
Thanks for your post, it’s great to hear everyone’s experiences and point of view. No judgements here!
Alice, as always another excellent blog! I always look forward to them, and also the Mommy comments that follow.
Baby Miller sleeps with my husband and I, and I have never been embarassed or ashamed of it, though many folks have tried to tried to make us feel so. Mil is now nearly a year old, and he has always slept with me. Honestly, my husband and I both sleep well and we really enjoy him being there with us. We do not plan on having more babies so I try to enjoy every moment I have of snuggling and nursing. I love the feeling of my baby falling asleep in my arms while I sing to him!
We practice a nice bedtime routine, bathtime, lotion and pjs, books with Dada. Then around 7pm I take him to the bedroom and sing him the same lullaby that I have always sung while I nurse him to sleep. He is usually asleep within 5-10 minutes. (I love that we have our own time after Mil falls asleep to watch a movie and be alone together, a great way to end the day!) Miller still wakes once, sometimes twice, to nurse during the night. He never cries, just sits up and says “Mama”, I respond quickly and he is back to sleep within 5 minutes. He generally sleeps for 11-12 hours, which is perfect for us.
Co-sleeping works for our family, but I understand how it might not for many others. I am a bit OCD and I feel that I need to have my baby near me while he’s sleeping. That’s just me, and thankfully my husband is cool with that.
Esmee, I love your sweet sleep story. It sounds like you have figured out a way to make sleep enjoyable and, well, sleep, for your family. I think co-sleeping can work well for many families and babies, as long as it is done safely. It wouldn’t have worked for us for a few reasons, one of them being that I actually think BabyC does much better when she has her own space. That said, I miss her at night sometimes! Occasionally she wakes in the night to nurse when she is teething or something. I bring her into bed to nurse and sometimes hope that she will just fall asleep with me – but nope – she will lay there and babble and pick my nose until I finally take her back to her crib:)
What a great piece. I just wish that CIO had worked for us. It worked for a joyous seven weeks where our daughter slept twelve hours a night. Then it stopped working. We have only just managed to get her to sleep in her own bed again now at 23 months and it is taking us two hours a night to sleep and she is up at five every morning. She must be chronically sleep deprived as she is only averaging between eight and nine hours sleep a night! We are wondering if we can try CIO again but we live in an apartment building and while we have tolerant neighbors hours and hours of screaming is a bit much to inflict on others! I await the next pieces on this method with interest.
Thanks so much for sharing your story and creating a forum of exploration. Most importantly, and in particular, all parents need support and in having a child for the first time, we are all learning- and at every stage. My son is now almost 13 but we were bouncers, co-sleepers and I was a nurser (all night long) on demand (or so I thought). I realized a few years later, that in co-sleeping with my son, every time he moved, he had my nipple in his mouth. I was so afraid to let him cry. What happened then, is that he was trained in fact to wake! And nurse at times every 45 minutes all night long. As a result it seemed like there was no other way to rest other than to keep him right next to me.
I commend you for having the courage to recognize that what you were doing wasn’t working for you, or your daughter. I believed in co-sleeping and attachment parenting and still do, but realize that the line can become blurred between when things aren’t working, or how and when they are supposed to, or will. I would say, when things aren’t working for mom and/or, dad. My husband and I wound up divorced, sadly, by the time our son was three, and a large part of this I’m afraid due to the fact that we didn’t have the skills, or connection to keep it together after things became so exhausting. I have many close friends who birthed, parent, and school their children much differently than I do. However, I find that despite our idealistic differences, these families and children are often harmonious, well balanced, and happy. I RESPECT them for knowing what their needs are, and implementing them without a lot of analyzing or crippling guilt. And I have learned greatly from them as a result.
One of the most important aspects is consistency and perhaps conscience. If we could first know in our conscience that something is truly needed, then the conviction to carry it out will be greater. From there we can offer consistency to our children, and in your story, clearly these factors came together to help your daughter begin to feel safe, secure, and comfortable.
I am now an early childhood teacher. I receive children 18 mos- 6 years at my home daily. Part of their day includes nap and rest time. I found that children who rested here, bonded with me and one another in a much deeper and more satisfying and harmonious way. I have had many parents come to me with concerns about their child falling asleep and I have never so much had one child cry it out, or for that part cry at all. When they have had a full day of fresh air, play, and good food, and they are held in the company of their friends, they are ready for rest time. After several months together, our summer program included many long naps on a big blanket under the shade of swaying and breezy leaves.
If only we could have the confidence and impartiality with our own children that others can have- it all looks so easy.* Cheers! Danielle
Thank you for your lovely, thoughtful comment, Danielle. This parenting job is hard, and most of us get thrown in without much training on the nighttime side of things. We all muddle along with our ideals and advice from the people around us and do the best we can. What a journey you have had!
Great post! I think you’re going to help a lit of new parents out there. I might have to reblig this one!
My story: we swaddled Chloe until she was 6 months old. And we rocked her to sleep, in one form or another, until she was about… 18(?) months old or so…though the rocking wasn’t always until she was totally asleep. We’d rock her for a bit and then cross our fingers and set her down in her crib. If she started to wake up we’d rub her back, tell her it was time to sleep, and tell her we’d be right there (in the glider in her room). She’d look up every once in a while to make sure we were still there, but she’d eventually settle and go to sleep. Many times I would fall asleep in her room only to wake up hours later and just go to my room to sleep.
In the last few months we’ve been able to being her up to her room at bed time, tell her it’s time to sleep, and she settles down for the most part and goes to sleep by herself. We do play music for her as she goes to sleep. I had read that can be a problem if they wake up in the middle of the night and then they need the music to get back to sleep again, but we haven’t had this problem… At least not that I’ve noticed.
I did try the CIO method a few times but did not stick with it. Maybe i should have… But i guess the mights we did try it i always felt so horrible (though exasperatingly tired).
And I suppose we did the swaddle/rocking since I’d read “The Happiest Baby on the Block” and it seemed like a good plan (as someone who couldn’t ask her parents what to do — they’re deceased — and who’d never taken care of a baby before).
Sorry for the typos… I’m writing all this on my iPhone
Thanks Alice!!! I appreciate this post because this is one thing that terrifies me, and has already prompted many discussions between Doug and me. I am due with my first in one week and we have decided to keep the baby in the room in an arms-reach co-sleeper for up to the first six months, and then transition to a more independent routine in his/her own room (of course this is the plan, which I am sure will change once baby arrives) . Doug does not want to co-sleep and I do, so the arms-reach seemed like a good compromise. I imagine this plan will still be difficult because Doug gets up early for work (sometimes 4am) and I will take on most of the night routine…which means I will probably end up taking the baby out of the room a lot of the time to let Doug get sleep. I admit that I don’t want to have to let my baby ‘cry-it-out’, but I am open to try it to some extent. I look forward to figuring out what works best for us and I appreciate all of the different posts and styles that people have shared here.
Can’t wait to hear of the news of the arrival of your little one! You and Doug are going to be wonderful parents. It sounds like the co-sleeper is a good compromise for you. We used one for the first few months and loved it. I was also often alone with nighttime parenting since Husband was coming and going from work at all hours of the night. Since it was important that he get sleep, and there was only so much he could do to help anyway, he sometimes slept in the guest room:) That may be a better solution for Doug some nights, since taking the baby to another room could be more disruptive to you and maybe over-stimulating to baby. Just a thought. Also, once we moved BabyC to her own room, we still had a bed in her room that I used for nursing her during the night, which made those middle-of-the-night feedings so much sweeter.
Reblogged this on chicken nuggets and elmo and commented:
I just read this great post from Science of Mom and I wanted to share it with you. I still have to download pics from Chloe’s party this past weekend, so until then…. Enjoy!
Thanks!
I’m really interested in reading your follow up posts about this. My son is three and a half months old. He is the sweetest, most precious, happy baby I’ve ever met. I feel unbelievably blessed to have him in my life. He almost never cries. In fact, nap and bed time are the only time I really hear him cry all day. He seems to lay down and go to sleep at nap time without too much bother. I let him fuss but he’s always very low key about it, (really more of a complaint than a cry), and he puts himself to sleep in about 10 minutes. Although for the past month he won’t nap for more than 45 minutes at a time.
At night my husband and I give him a bath and I rock him and sing lullabies. He falls asleep without any problem but wakes up 45 minutes later and when he wakes he wails. It’s so strange and upsetting to see him cry since he really doesn’t do it at any other time. I don’t have the heart to listen to his hysterical cries yet, so my husband and I typically walk, rock or bounce him until he falls back to sleep. Sometimes he’ll continue this pattern a couple of times, other times he’ll sleep for four hours after that initial waking.
It seems like I’m having a harder time putting him back to sleep after he’s awakened then initially putting him to sleep. I’ve considered letting him cry it out when he wakes from that first sleep cycle, but so far I can’t convince myself to do it.
@ScienceOfMom – Thank you for this post. I think a lot of people will appreciate the clarity, the lack of ‘black-and-whiteness’ and the courage that it may have taken to share this. THANK YOU>
@OneFrugalGirl,
I am reading your story as if you were retelling ours. My son was the same – getting to sleep with us sitting by his bed no problem at all, the waking up 45minutes later and crying his heart out. This could happen several times during the night. It was as exhausting for us as it must have been for him. We didn’t (we still don’t) know what was the reason for this, but after some time we agreed that this is not a healthy situation for any of us. We realised that when we were by his bedside as he was falling asleep, he might have panicked when he awoke and didn’t see us there anymore.
We all wake up during the night, some of us several times, we also go through different phases of sleep but as our bodies (and brains) mature we get so used to it that we put ourselves back to sleep no problem, usually without even noticing that we ever woke up. Babies are different – they are not ready for it yet. But at some point they can learn, and for some it is easier than for others, I believe.
Having realised that we decided we were going to try and let our little man learn o fall asleep on his own, without us by his side. This way he would know he could do it, and maybe waking up and seeing that we are not there would not be such a scary thing for him. We did it gently and slowly – learning is a process, there are stages, there is a pace that will work for your family and only you know what it is. For some it will be easier, for others it will take time. For us, after a couple of nights of crying (with us returning over and over, and telling him we knew it was hard for him, but we know that he will be able to learn) he started sleeping through the night. No waking, no problems going to bed, a rested and smiling man in the mornings.
I don’t know if this helps at all, but I think that waking up at night alone is scarier than falling asleep alone. And I believe the two are connected. Also, while I have read all the research that talks about the dangers of letting your baby learn to self-soothe and fall asleep on his own, I have a feeling that waking up several times during the night looking for mum or dad in the dark might also have an impact. So we have chosen to go with what we felt was better for our family. It is probably an entirely different issue for parents who choose to co-sleep, but we didn’t, and I believe this is a choice that every family should make for themselves.
Sorry for the novel
It is a topic that I m very concerned with as well.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I also wonder if he cries out so loudly because he doesn’t see me. It’s particularly strange because he doesn’t do this at nap time, only at night. Perhaps the darkness is a factor. I am very close to a trying a solution like you suggested, but I’m not quite there yet. I am happy to hear your story and know I am not alone.
Hi, my (now 14 mo) son also had a period when he was much smaller when would only sleep for 45 mins in the daytime when previously he’d napped well… It obviously may not work, but what I did and it might be worth a try was that because he always managed to pass this 45 minute mark if we were walking, I took him for an hour long walk about 3 days in a row was all it took, and then he seemed to learn to get past that 45 minutes and could then do it in his cot… Maybe if that helps during the day it might have a knock on effect at nightime too… Obviously you don’t want to get to a stage where he’ll only fall asleep in the pushchair but maybe one nap a day try it and another nap let him go in his cot… Or whatever fits with you, but this was something I found to work for us
I actually just considered this yesterday before reading your response. I noticed he stays asleep in the car seat for much longer than 45 minutes. If I’ve been out and he falls asleep I leave him in it and he continues napping for quite awhile. I was wondering if I could break the habit by putting him in a cozier spot for a few days in a row. I think I’ll give this a try and hope he doesn’t get attached to the rocking motion of the stroller.
Although BabyC did great with night time sleep after sleep training, it took longer to get into a good nap routine. We still took lots of walking naps. It seemed like it was harder for her to wind down during the day, and when she did, she often woke after 45 minutes. She seemed to just grow out of that around 5 months, if I remember correctly, and suddenly she was often napping for 2-3 hours at a time. So. Wonderful.
A few friends have told me it’s a phase and that he’s bound to outgrow it in the next couple of months. I’m glad to hear BabyC had a similar breakthrough around 5 months. Maybe I just need to give it time?
I was thinking more about this 45 minutes nap thing. (SO maddening, by the way – I remember how little I was able to get done in 45 minutes, and she always woke up grumpy from those short naps.) First was that during this period, I could sometimes nurse her back to sleep. I would keep the lights low and offer very little stimulation, and sometimes she just needed a little comfort to return to sleep. When we finally broke through the 45 minute barrier, I did make some changes that I think helped. I read in Weissbluth (I know some people hate him, but I read a lot of books about sleep and found a few things useful from each one) about natural rhythms for sleeping and how babies sleep better at certain times of the day. For babies this age, he recommends trying to start naps around 9 and 1. Before I read this, I was consistently putting BabyC down around 8:30 and 12, and she seemed tired at those times. I tried the 9 and 1 thing, which meant keeping her up longer than I really wanted to, but it did really help to extend the naps, I think. I also made sure she had a full feeding before putting her down. I have also heard people swear by the 2-3-4 rule for timing sleep (I think this comes from Ask Moxie – lots of sleep tips on her blog). Start the first nap around 2 hours after morning wake-up, second nap around 3 hours after nap#1 wake-up, and bedtime around 4 hours after nap#2 wake-up. Just a thought that tweaking the timing might help. Good luck
my first child slept in our bed until he was almost 2. We had decided that it was time for him to be sleeping in his own bed. Well things didn’t go so well. He always fell asleep in a sitting position all the way from birth. so getting him to sleep flat in a bed was hard. So we tried to let him fall asleep in his rocking chair and then put him in bed, it never worked. So we ended up trying the CIO method. He would cry for hours sometimes up to 4 hours a night. After about 2 weeks of letting him CIO he finally was able to be put in his crib and fall asleep. It was a rough few weeks but we made it through. Then I had my second child and not wanting to relive my experience with transitioning a child into his own bed, we had decided that from day one our baby would not be allowed in our bed. Our youngest is now 4 and he has never once slept in our bed. I am so thankful that we chose to make him sleep in his own bed from day one. Now pregnant with our third child it is a clear choice that this baby will sleep in there own bed from day one.
Thanks for this, Alice. People do really have all kinds of different ideas about what “CIO” is — and isn’t. When I write about CIO I get all sorts of support — and flames. The key difference I think is when people understand the difference between the research on ABUSE, and how that differs from research on normal developmental stages and challenges. Looking forward to your series! Aloha!
Since you are a very well-educated mother, I wonder if you were ever exposed to some of the scholarly work on infant sleep that says that night wakings are healthy, normal and to be expected, and that babies are “designed” to sleep next to their mother and nurse through the night before becoming a mother and/or before deciding to sleep train? Dr James McKenna at Notre Dame (http://cosleeping.nd.edu/) seems to be main one working on this.
I find it unfortunate that we do not support mothers with pertinent information about normal and healthy infant sleep or ways to cope with the challenges of nighttime parenting, and limit the discussion to differences in “parenting styles” and within the framework of misguided cultural expectations and beliefs. I hope you will touch on this in your future posts.
For us, DS nurses to sleep every night, and nurses as he needs to throughout the night. My husband and I are committed to co-sleeping, be it bedsharing or, as DS gets older roomsharing, then transitioning to his own room when he’s ready. Now at 20months DS sleeps 4-5 hour stretches starting out in a floor bed in our room, then comes into the big bed when he wakes. There is no anxiety that it will never end, or feelings of wanting DS out of our bed. We know that independent sleep is a milestone that is reached in the preschool years and we see no good reason to rush it.
Melissa, thanks for sharing your experience. I am glad that you and your husband have found a sleep situation that works well for you. I have read some of James McKenna’s work and think it is really interesting. However, most of his work is on co-sleeping, and co-sleeping simply doesn’t work for all parents or all babies. I don’t think moms and babies were “designed” to sleep any one way. We may have *evolved* as co-sleepers, because that was most adaptive for our current environment. However, we are still evolving, now in a very different environment, and each family has to figure out what is most adaptive for them.
I do agree that parents need information on normal infant sleep, and I particularly hate the pressure that parents feel to have babies that sleep through the night from an early age. That said, I found that when my baby fell asleep on her own, she cried less during the night. When she does cry, I respond to her, but she often also wakes and babbles happily to herself and then goes back to sleep. I think it is great that she is comfortable enough that she does not always need my help going back to sleep during the night, and I don’t think that is unhealthy at all.
I’m I guess it depends on how we see the role of co-sleeping in our evolution and whether or not we have evolved beyond needing it.
I would argue that we have not evolved beyond needing to co-sleep (or breastfeed or birth naturally or hold our children often…), but that we have forgotten how to! Most of us did not grow up with these things because our culture phased them out, and only now are we beginning to see their significance in physical development.
So I do not see co-sleeping as something that was done purely as a cultural practice out of convenience or a need that we currently do not still have. For example, we know that an infant’s developing body and brain learns to regulate breathing, heart rate, temperature etc through constant close physical contact. We simply do not yet know the impact of cutting this out for large portions of the day (or night), or at what age this becomes unnecessary.
We can and do make choices to sidestep these evolutionary imperatives, but they must be informed choices and we must understand the potential risks involved, and ways to compensate for these deviations (if they exist). I hope you can show us that sleep-training and infant is in fact a safe and appropriate way to sidestep evolution, but I have yet to see evidence of this.
I hope you will consider this perspective by an evolutionary psychologist: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/201110/why-young-children-protest-bedtime-story-evolutionary-mismatch
The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland also offers a great research-based perspective.
How beautiful! Keep up the great work.
Hi! I am a new-baked mum with a 3.5 month old and at the moment sleeping is going well enough for me not to require training (or yet?). I have been trying to make up my mind about whether I am doing the right thing or not, as I nurse my son to sleep most nights and this is working, and furthermore he has been slightly awake a few times when I put him to bed (by ‘accident’) and as long as he wasn’t overtired he seems to soothe himself to sleep – his makes me feel like he is developing his sleeping habits and learning to sleep although I am constantly worried about whether I am nurturing a bad sleeping habit. At the moment, I am inclined to think that every baby is different eg, some babies give pacifiers up easily and some don’t. I am terrified to get this wrong so I keep reading new information on this topic to revise my opinion about whether/to what degree training is needed or not, in any circumstances.
I definitely think I would have tried some training by now if baby woke up every 45 mins because as you point out, this is not sleep ‘working out’ and good sleep is important for development. and good mothering.
Apart from the fact things are working at the moment, the other reason I’ve been reluctant to try training is that I suspect there might be a critical age where training is appropriate or when is the ‘best time’ to try it in relation to the baby’s developing sleeping habits. I am looking forward to hearing if you uncover any ‘hard data’ on this and also in relation to a specific method of training.
Hey there, I happened to read your post and don’t be terrified! You might just be one of the lucky ones. Baby sleep changes around 4 months and if your baby is waking a little and going to sleep on his own and not having a problem in the night, you may never have a problem. You are very right that every baby is different!
I second dnvrmama that you shouldn’t worry! From the reading I have done, I would say that if it is a goal of yours to eventually have your baby fall asleep without being soothed to sleep (and this generally has the advantage that he will need less comforting during the night, since he will know how to go back to sleep on his own), you should try to put him down drowsy but awake. It doesn’t have to be every time, but doing it at least some of the time will give him a chance to practice going to sleep on his own. You are right – some babies just “get” this easier than others and don’t need much help. You may have one of them. While it is great to set up good sleep habits early on, I wouldn’t worry that you have a problem unless it feels like you have a problem!
Thank you for sharing your personal story. I hope that all comments remain respectful of your decision. One question for me remains as it doesn’t seem like it was mentioned in the piece. Did you consider bed sharing or having your newborn in a side car cot?
As a newborn and for the first few months of her life, BabyC was in a co-sleeper within reach of our bed. We decided that co-sleeping was not right for our family, in part because BabyC really seems to prefer to have her own space when she sleeps. I haven’t regretted that decision, although I sometimes wish she would cuddle with me in our bed! Whenever I bring her into our bed she just thinks it is time to party:)
Thank you
This is a well written and thought provoking piece. My ds is now 1 and on my entrance to parenthood the one thing which shocked me more than anything else was the attitudes and judgements of other mothers as to what choices I and my husband made. We were lucky as we had a baby who seemed to put himself into a routine which worked well for all of us from a very young age so CIO was never even a discussion topic – but after months of sleep deprivation and struggling… I don’t know which way I would have gone.
We have suffered at the other end of the judgement spectrum of me having given up breastfeeding at 5 months due to an (then) undiagnosed tongue-tie. I was berated in forums and by people I knew for this decision and the emotional turmoil this caused me was significant.
Motherhood is not always an easy ride, we have a number of struggles to overcome, on what sometimes seems like a daily basis. I find it encouraging that there are still those in the world who can hold up their hands and state, against the current tide of opinion, this is the choice I made and why I made it. There will be so many other mothers who have either gone down this route but remain quiet about it or who struggle on in fear of the populus!
I’m so sorry for your experience with judgement from other mothers. It baffles me that we do this to each other. I’m glad you told your story. I think we all need to realize that each of us does the best we can and set a good example of empathy, grace, and kindness for our kids.
I like your blog and have been reading for a while so want to leave a comment that both respects your right as a mother and an intelligent woman to choose how you parent, but also includes my own feelings on the subject. It’s not easy! Truly this is one subject where my passion for what I think is ‘right’ runs ahead of itself. I’ll try to add my thoughts as carefully as I can…
I find it interesting that you mentioned Ferber, but didn’t mention that even he recommends not attempting sleep training on a baby under the age of 12 months.
I found it hard to understand the jump from bouncing, to rocking, to just leaving her to cry. Was it really like that, or were there other methods tried too?
You present the idea that baby cried less overall in the day as a good thing. What do you think of the theories that babies who’ve undergone ‘harsh’ sleep training cry less because they don’t think they will be responded to? Your science input AND your feelings as a mum welcome here…
I tend to parent by my gut. That is, if it feels right I do it. A part of me feels like it’s natures way of ensuring we remain on track. Do you think there’s any validity to the idea that “nature” has evolved us in this way? (That’s possibly a bit off topic here!)
I’ve talked about this on my own blog, but one of the issues I take with pro-CIO posts is that it implies that it’s “OK” to do this; I worry that this gives both parents to be and new parents struggling with the NORMAL sleep patterns of a newborn baby the nod to try CIO/sleep training straight away. You only have to glance over some of the comments already posted to see parents gleefully admitting they too “trained” from an increasingly younger age (1 day old! oh my.) How do you feel about this?
I don’t expect a personalised reply to my comment (because I get the feeling that you’re going to be inundated by them) but I do hope that some of this is covered in your follow up posts.
Jem, thanks for your comment and your respectful questions. I’m glad we can discuss this, mother-to-mother, even if you have a very different opinion. For the record, I’m still trying to figure out if what I did is right! That’s why I’m up so late with this research:) But although I wonder from a scientific standpoint about the risks of sleep training, BabyC and I have both definitely benefited from sleep training, no question.
re Ferber – can you provide a reference for that statement? I don’t remember him saying that in his book. I can’t honestly remember what he said about ages, and I don’t own a copy to check, but I want to be sure that he isn’t misquoted here.
re other methods that we tried: In addition to all the lovely, sleepy bedtime things that became our routine (bath, lotion, nurse, book, lullabies, white noise, swaddling), we tried rocking and walking at different paces and just sitting and holding her while being still. Sometimes after holding her while she cried for a long time, I would bend my knees a couple of times to make a little bounce, and she would almost immediately start to quiet. Bouncing was magical.
I often hear the hypothesis that babies that are sleep trained do not cry because they think mom will no longer respond. That was not my experience. My baby continued to cry when she was hungry during the night or if she was teething or something was just “off.” I always responded to her, and I’m quite sure she knew that she wasn’t abandoned. She still cried when she was tired or over-stimulated or hungry during the day. I believe that she stopped crying before bed and when she woke in the night (but was not hungry) because she then knew how to transition back to sleep and didn’t need my help. I haven’t yet found any research on this and probably won’t, as it would be very hard to do. All I can tell you is about my own experience and feelings about this as a mother.
I would never recommend sleep training a newborn. However, having learned from my bouncing experience, I think I would try to not get too set on any one sleep association, or at least think about whether I would be comfortable putting a 6-month-old to sleep that way. I think I would try to pause and listen to the cry, try to understand it a little better before just jumping to do the first thing that I think will make the crying stop.
Sod’s law, now I’ve said it (re: Ferber) I can’t find the reference. I don’t think it was in his books (I’ve not read them) but in an interview. I will keep digging.
Thank you for answering my questions.
I always think that no mother would go down the route of CIO of there was an alternative. My first didn’t fall asleep easily, like yours. I can so empathise with what you went through – we were reluctant to use any form of CC/CIO, but did try it because we didn’t know what else to do. It didn’t work for us, if anything, it made things worse. So that was that. With my 2nd, she falls asleep easily and we didn’t have to do it. Yes, she wakes up to 3 times a night, but that’s ok, so no need for it. But as you said, if it works in 3 days, and means less crying overall, surely that’s a good thing and stresses baby less? Really keen to read more!
Just wondering was your daughter checked for tongue tie. My daughter has tt and wasn’t great in the car seat, had reflux, and was a poor sleeper. I got it snipped and her sleep is much better.
Also, did your daughter have a traumatic/fast birth? Or was it assisted? These can all cause tension in their head/neck/shoulders etc which can lead to sleep problems. A cranial osteopath can help. I also did this with my daughter and it helped.
No evidence of tongue tie. I really think she was just very used to that up and down motion! And she was a great sleeper once she learned to fall asleep on her own, without the motion.
I think it is horses for courses.
Thank you for your blog, it sure is hard work when you have a none sleeping child.
I personally couldn’t use the above methods because it just did not feel natrual to me, even if I was exhausted and at my wits end I could not bare hearing my child crying for even a second. This was before I ever knew that sleep training methods existed let alone the many issues surrounding them. I am one of these people that does interpret CIO abd CC as a form of neglect.
I do not want to cause offence to anybody as I respect the descions parents make when it comes to raising thier children. As a mother it goes against every instince i have in me if my child is upset, over tired or unsettled for whatever reason and needs my attention then he has it at a drop of a hat even if I have to pace around and up nursing all night. It’s a killer but I feel that my child trusts me and doesn’t feel alone. Before I read the many articles regarding the above methods that was just how I felt, I believed leaving my child to cry and not responding to his needs during the night would have negitive effects on my child. You mother all day long responding and meeting your child’s needs though out the day, I do not understand why this has to stop at night? A infant child has no concept of this change, they are not aweare of the night time hours.
My child nursed every hour though out the night and like you it took hours of rocking, singing, walking around trying to sooth my infant to sleep. My husband worked full time so it was left down to me. We co-slept but this was not a grantee that my son would sleep. He finally worked it out for himself and started sleeping though the night from 2 years onward. I just told myself that this wouldn’t be forever and things will improve when he is ready. He is very hyperactive and requires little sleep even now but at least the sleep he gets is good quality and we are all benefitting from it.
Number 2 arrives in March, again if baby is anything like her/his older brother then I will have to repeat the cycle again, hard work but again not forever. I don’t like the term “training” you guide and nurture your young. Training is a technique for perfecting a new skill or encouraging an animal to perform certain tasks of your choice.
I really hope your second child is blessed with the gift of sleep! Thank you for your honest post and I am looking forward to reading the others.
P.s
The links to SIDS though CIO and CC sleep training methods also really terrified me both as a mother and also a Emergency Service Health Care Proffessional.
I do however really respect your honest blog and again I am really looking forward to reading your journey with this.
OE, can you please provide a reference for a link between CIO and SIDS? I have never seen evidence of that and want to be sure that we keep information accurate here. Such a link would terrify any parent!
Hi Alice. Personally I think the biggest problems we create are usually made with the first baby – most likely because we aren’t confidently recognising cues! We then learn, become wiser with what does and doesn’t work and are more confident with our choices next time around. We also know what to expect which makes a huge difference in the way we perceive our baby. We can see that only being pushed in a pram to go to sleep during the day (or in your case only bounced on a ball) will in all probability create sleep issues at night. Hindsight and experience is a wonderful thing! If only we had it before having a baby!
I’ve never had to resort to CIO or CC though it was considered with DD1 at about 6 months as she was sleeping horrendously at night, but it didn’t feel like the right thing to. My sister told me when I had DD1 that: “Babies never just cry, there is always a reason.” And that has always stuck with me. After reading your article, I’m actually wondering if you looked into reasons on why she may have been crying so much besides just being tired or sleepy?
Ok, as I understand it, CIO means to literally let them cry it out without going in for comfort. CC, controlled comforting is what you describe, also referred to as “ferberising”.
My daughter co-slept in our bed and in a cradel right next to us in the beginning> This didn’t last long. Before too long I was in a similar position to you: I had to either bounce her on an exercise ball or carry her in a wrap/carrier for her to go to sleep. She spent most of her days in the wrap/carrier until she was about 6 months old. Soothing in a car was not an option as she would scream bloody murder whenever in a car. Putting her to sleep in my bed involved feeding her to sleep for about 2 hours before I could try and slip away. Then, for the next waking, she needed me there again, so I’d go to bed and sleep the rest of the night with her.
At abut 7 months I was very exhausted after she had a bout of frequent night wakings and I decided to try CC (Controlled Comforting). All those things that were mentioned to do when you go in to comfort them (like talking, singing, stroking their backs, etc. did not soothe her. The exact opposite, it made her even more worked up. I tried this for 2 nights. It was absolutely horrible. I still have not quite forgiven myself for doing this to all of us. We went back to what had worked before (breastfeeding to sleep and co-sleeping) and things improved. All other transitions (into her own room, into a big bed etc. were done gently and without tears. She cut down to only 1 night waking at about 12 months and consistently slept through from around 18 months. She is now 4 1/2 and the best sleeper I know. She usually goes to bed without any dramas, doesn’t wake up too early and can sleep through anything without tossing or turning. My parents, who thought we were doing everything wrong, can’t believe a child could sleep this soundly.
My son by the way has also slept in my bed for the first year, then in his cot next to my bed (still came into my bed during the night) until just recently. He used to only want to sleep while lying in my arms and HAD to stroke my right arm to fall asleep.
He’s now 2 1/2 and has just transitioned to his sister’s room without any problems. He actually loves sharing a room with her. I still breastfeed him, then rock him to sleep or close to sleep. Takes about 10 minutes usually. Then I put him down in his bed.
I just wanted to show another side.That babies who are difficult sleepers can become amazing sleepers without CIO/CC.
We also used the CIO method. My son had colic and would scream every time he had gas. The only way we could get any sleep was if he slept with us and colic calm. I never wanted to let him sleep in our bed cause I was so afraid of something happening to him. After a few months of this, we finally broke the habit and put him back in his bassinet. We played B is for Bob, a Bob Marley kids cd that seemed to calm him a little bit. The first night he cried for almost half the night and I finally put him back to bed with me. The next night,he cried for an hour and after that, he settled pretty quick. He’s a great sleeper now and when he does wake up at night, I find it easier to give him at least 10 minutes to settle himself down. If I go in there and get him, the process takes over an hour to get him back to sleep. He settles and then screams as soon as you get him to sleep. He’s a very loving little 15-month-old and he is so easy going. I don’t think it’s wrong to use cio, when you’ve nursed/fed them, changed them, and tried everything. It broke my heart to let him cry for a bit, but after 3 days, he was able to go to sleep without any problems.
Thank you for this! I’m struggling so much with my 5-month-old and it helps to know that there are others out there who believe in the health of this method and who have had success with it. Many find it hard to understand that I’m doing this for my son’s sake, and not my own.
I tried CIO with my DD, once, we both ended up being sick, her from stress, me from guilt I think. I said I wouldnt do it again. DS came along and woke every 1.5-2hrs every night until he was 22months. At 22months he was diagnosed with sleep apnoea, which was why he was waking so much. He had his adenoids and tonsils removed and now sleeps waking only once or twice and that is gettting less and less. Am so glad I didn’t do CIO with him as I had been advised, he had undiagnosed medical condition preventing him from sleeping peacefully. I’m not saying that that is the issue with every baby who doesn’t sleep, but in a fair proportion I am sure there is something underlying their ‘unsettledness’.
Thanks for your honest post. I have a six month old who wakes up between 2 and 6 times a night, but I have surrendered to this fact (that doesn’t mean that I am not tired from time to time and wondering if I can do something better to help him to get to sleep). I think that our society’s expectations about baby sleep are way too high. As a previous poster said, it is normal for babies to wake up frequently during the night. We co-sleep and I nurse him back to sleep and that way the three of us are happy most of the time.
I think what works for sleep varies greatly with different kids (and different parents). My first child was (and is) an intense little kid. She was also an amazingly bad sleeper as a baby. There was a time when she was up 5 times a night- this was at about 9-12 months, so well past the newborn phase when you expect that. In retrospect, there were two things going on: she has a fast metabolism, so she really was hungry- probably for one of those wake ups, and she is a social little thing, and hated to be alone. We cracked sometime between 18 and 21 months and started partial night cosleeping (bringing her in to join us when she first woke up) and OMG was our sleep better at that point. Paradoxically, we nightweaned at about the same time. She wanted company more than nursing at that point, and giving her the company she wanted made nightweaning easy.
She sleeps through the night, in her own bed. She has been doing that since she was about 2. She used to need someone to stay with her until she fell asleep, but we broke that habit at about 3.
I learned from that, and started partial night cosleeping with our second much earlier- from the 9 month separation anxiety phase. She is a “better” sleeper, but still wasn’t sleeping through the night then. She still doesn’t sleep through the night every night, although she does it some nights. She’s a little over 2. She is nightweaned. In fact she is mostly weaned- she asks to nurse rarely, and then she doesn’t really nurse. I let her nightwean herself. I was tempted to force the issue, but I can’t deal with screaming in the middle of the night, particularly with a second child trying to sleep a short distance away.
So.. from that last comment you can probably guess that we did not use CIO methods. For our first, I do not think they would have worked. She would work herself up crying. One time, I put her down, thinking she was asleep and then went to the bathroom. My husband was out that night, so when she started crying, I couldn’t get to her right away. But the time I got to her, she had worked herself up so much that she’d thrown up. So then I had an awake baby who was scared/angry about throwing up, and a bunch of vomit to clean up. I didn’t see how that was an improvement AT ALL, so we never truly tried CIO with her. We did partially nightwean her my our choice, not hers, at about a year (I can’t remember when, exactly), and that did involve some crying when my husband showed up and wouldn’t feed her (he gave her 1 bottle of expressed milk/night- the extra pumping bought me some much needed sleep).
To be honest, CIO just isn’t a good fit for ME, either. I am 99% sure it would have worked well for my second child, but we never did it. We prefer to rock/snuggle to sleep and comfort in the middle of the night when it is needed. I knew my second child would be my last, and the baby snuggles seemed more precious to me. Also, she was a better sleeper to start with, so I wasn’t so desperately sleep deprived.
With all that said, I don’t judge anyone else for using CIO. It wasn’t a fit for me and my family, but it most definitely can be a fit for other people.
I’ve written A LOT about our sleep stories on my blog. If anyone wants more details about how we did the nightweaning, how I survived at work on such crappy sleep, or anything else, it is all there, although you’ll have to filter through a bunch of posts: http://www.wandering-scientist.com/search/label/sleep
One thing I want to add: a lot of the sleep disruptions at certain ages are due to developmental changes- the biggie is separation anxiety at 9 months. A lot of people don’t realize this and wonder why things all went pear-shaped, and think they did something wrong.
Also, trying to sleep train at certain times can be a lot harder- again the biggie is 9 months, when your baby is getting the first taste of separation anxiety.
I really liked the book Bedtiming (Granic and someone else, can’t remember- but you’ll find it easily on Amazon just with the title) for understanding some of the developmental impacts on sleep.
Cloud, thanks for the recommendation for Bedtiming. I checked out Granic’s blog, and there are lots of good tips there. I like her attitude that all the sleep training methods can be effective, and the best choice is dependent on the family and the baby. Her emphasis on timing is wonderful, something that I’m afraid is really missing from the literature. I think it is an excellent point that “success” of any sleep training efforts is going to be highly dependent on developmental stage. This is complicated – just waiting longer is not necessarily better. There are windows when it is easier and some when it is harder. She says 4-6 months and around 9 months are times when you just shouldn’t try. Good stuff. And thanks for telling your sleep stories for your two very different kids and what has worked for your kids. What I read in that is that flexibility is key, and that is often missing from sleep training methods. We buy a book and think we’ll live by a set of rules, only to discover that all the rules don’t work for us, and then we stress out about breaking the rules. I know I did – I’ll write about that at some point.
What a great piece. I love how you are splitting it up into 3 parts! I have 3 children (ages 5, 3, and 7 months) and have had very different sleeping experiences with all three. The first I tried the CIO after 8 sleepless months and in about 4 days she was sleeping beautifully. She responded well and it was a true blessing. My second child need no sleep training. She was born to sleep a true blessing (and she is still my best sleeper). My third child has been the most difficult so far. He does not respond to CIO as well as my first. Luckily he will nurse to sleep and goes to bed by 8pm everynight now. However, he still wakes up somenights on the hour to nurse or be rocked. So it is not the going to sleep that is the problem (as it once was) but the staying to sleep. It just goest to say that every child is different and what works for one child and parent will not always work for another.
Alice – thank you! I’m a new mom with a 4 month old considering the CIO method and it helps just hearing your experience (as well as those who have commented on your story). My 4-month old is a strange sleeper. She’s slept through the night (with a few hiccups here and there) since about 7 weeks. At first, we had to bounce/rock/soothe her to sleep, but now, most nights I give her a last bottle, swaddle her (still needs it) and put her down (awake). She may grunt a bit, but usually goes to sleep. I often hear her wake during the night, make a few noises, but she is able to put herself back to sleep.
The odd thing – she cannot soothe herself to sleep during the day for naps! We have to swaddle her and walk/bounce/sing just to get her to go down to sleep for a 30 minute nap. Sometimes she cries for up to 45 minutes (and by that time, she’s overtired and has “missed” her nap time!). Anyone else have this experience? We’re thinking we may have to apply the CIO method for day time sleep – we don’t know what else to do!
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Has anybody else tried “holding” their baby in bed? My little one is 10 months old, won’t go to sleep on her own, wakes up every hour or 2 and needs the boob to go back to sleep. She often wakes up when put down in her bed and starts wiggling frantically immediately, trying to sit up or stand up. i’ve found myself thinking “well if you just stopped moving you might go back to sleep more easily” so I’ve sometimes “pinned her down” in her bed so she couldn’t roll or turn or get up and after a few seconds of struggling she would give up and fall asleep. I haven’t made this a habit though as I’m afraid she might turn claustrophic or develop some kind of trauma for being restrained. Anybody else has ever had similar experience? She seems a little old for swaddling but I would be interested in hearing of other “restraining” method experiences. That being said, I’m far from having resolved our sleeping issue and contemplating trying the CIO method again. Thanks Alice for addressing this issue!
Pinning her down or restraining her sound s abit harsh, but I think I know what you mean. Both my kids went through very wriggly stages like you described. I used to just snuggle them in my arms (me on my side and their heads in the crook of my arm with my other arm draped around them. That worked almost every time cause once they couldn’t move, they’d fall asleep again. Plus I think it’s the feeling of being safely wraped up in the warmth and security of mummy’s arms. Yes, sometimes it was an issue for me as they wanted to keep snuggling, but I couldn’t lie on my side anymore as my hip was aching. Usually I could roll onto my back with them still in my arm and snuggled into my side. Other times I could get my husband to take over the snuggling duties which was a nice bonding opportunity for him, too.
hiya! Just this past week I did something that reminded me of your comment – maybe I was subconciously inspired? Anyway, I normally nurse or hold my son to get him to sleep and I found that when I put him down and he starts crying, I placed my hands firmly on him (eg if he was on his back, I would put one across his chest and the other across his stomach) and he calmed down straight away! I don’t know if bcs my partner and I often hold him, he is used to pressure on him – but I found it also worked when he was on his side. Is this similar to what you meant?
I meant to say that he doesn’t respond to gentle stroking or touching (I tried this in reponse to others saying to comfort them and let them know you’re there) so it isn’t simply my touch, but a bit of firmness/pressure (and possibly warmth).
I love this post and your honesty … I think what is MOST important in this and SO many parenting decisions is that you trust your OWN instincts on what is best for YOU, YOUR family, and YOUR child. (my post on this … http://blog.playdrhutch.com/2012/01/13/trusting-our-parental-instincts/)
And any outsiders need to realize that most all parents are working their hardest to do what they think is the best for their child.
Great post Alice…we..like you guys…were not blessed with a good sleeper. BabyT’s sleep routine up until 4 months involved me walking laps around the kitchen..all….night…long. How he could tell that I tried sitting down from a dead sleep I have no idea, but sure enough…as soon as I would start to squat down into a chair- WAAAAHHHHH. Stig and I spent so many sleepless nights trading off carrying BabyT while the other was on the internet researching baby sleep techniques and both sides of the CIO controversy. Finally, out of exhaustion and being driven to the edge of insanity we did CIO a little after 4 months. I think it is harder on the parents than on the little ones. Things got much so much better! And, he was still the same super happy and friendly baby despite the few nights of doing his best to make us feel like jerks.
Now we are on vacation, staying with my parents, and trying to figure out how to encourage good sleep habits while staying in someone else’s house. We coddled and cuddled him to sleep the first few nights, and when he would wake up in the middle of the night, thinking he must be scared in a new house. We have been here for a week now, and instead of getting used to his surroundings and sleeping better, he is waking up more, and putting himself to sleep less. Grr… So last night we had to revert to CIO again. Now, at 8 months- he has gained some stamina! Also, he now pulls himself up in his crib, and gets stuck. We all had a rough night, but here’s to hoping tonight will be better.
On another note…I LOVE your blog! I read it all the time! Your pictures are fabulous-I love BabyC’s hair
Targhee – everything goes to s#$t when you travel:) I will say it has varied with us with age. Some trips she has done great, and some it has thrown things off quite a bit. I always feel like it is a lot to ask of them to fall asleep in a strange place anyway. We usually just did whatever it took to get some sleep when we traveled. One thing that usually helps is to wear her out with lots of fresh air during the day and to try to get naps in so she isn’t overtired at bedtime. Luckily, BabyC usually falls right back into her old good habits when we get home. Sorry – it is never easy! Hope tonight is going better. And glad you like the blog!
Mmmm, I suppose that’s one of the pros of my babies needing ME to go to sleep. Sometimes it can be annoying when they can’t go to slee without you. But on the other hand, I travelled from Australia to Europe with them a few times and they always had with them the one thing they needed to go to sleep: ME. So we didn’t really have issues apart from the night/day confusion for the first day or so.
I would not worry too much about how your bub is sleeping on vacation. It’s all new and a little scary and also very stimulating. So try and keep your bedtime ritual as close to the one you had at home as possible and just go with the flow. He’ll adjust again when you’re home.
@Alex – I agree, traveling can be harder on a baby used to falling asleep on her own – then asked to fall asleep in a strange place. One of the things that I have learned is that travel can call for a complete change of plan, and it doesn’t necessarily ruin the happy routines we have at home. There have been many nights when traveling when BabyC has nursed to sleep from pure exhaustion of the day (something she rarely does at home), or when I have stayed with her and soothed her to sleep, something that also doesn’t work that well at home. As you suggest, we try to stick to our same bedtime routine but are happy to do whatever we can to help her fall asleep without stress.
PS – Having a “transitional object” or “lovie” has also really helped BabyC to sleep when we are traveling. It is one more thing that we can keep consistent about sleep times between home and away. We also bring our Sleep Sheep that makes ocean sounds with us.
Thanks for bravely addressing this topic, especially from a research point of view. Although I have some background in child development, I was really unprepared for the sleep patterns and challenges that can happen with a newborn and young infant. Our son was very much like your daughter. He would not fall asleep easily (even we he needed to sleep), and wouldn’t stay asleep long as an infant. We too figured out the bouncing on the exercise ball trick and we did that for much of his first 3 months. At night he was better, but still woke up pretty frequently but luckily went back to sleep easier without bouncing. For naps, I was eventually able to transition him to a bouncy seat (with rigorous bouncing) and ultimately to the crib. One thing we did was to try some sleep training/CIO (for short periods of time) at naptime first. This eased my conscience because I knew at nap time he wasn’t hungry, wet, etc. Sometimes he could put himself to sleep after 10-20 min (starting at about 5 months old), other times not, and I would nurse him to sleep. This was only marginally helpful for naps, but I think it got him used to putting himself to sleep at least sometime so when we did eventually do sleep training at night (CIO) at 9 months old, I knew he had the maturity to do it.
You make so many good points, but I think understanding your child’s temperament and sensitivities is key. After a couple of months, we figured out that our son just seemed very sensitive to stimulation and could easily get overstimulated to the point of not being able to go to sleep without serious intervention. Once we figured this out and the fact that bouncing and white noise worked (most of the time), then we knew we could handle it until he matured.
At 9 months he was still waking at least 2 times a night and I or my husband would feed him and he’d go back to sleep. Not too bad until he started waking the instant we put him back in the crib. This was our sign that he was wanting our attention and didn’t have a need for food, diaper, etc. This could go on all night and that was not something we could handle. At that point we did CIO and it worked well after 3 nights or so. We felt comfortable with this because I knew he had the physiological maturity to put himself to sleep and that he didn’t need to be fed at night anymore. It was a very hard decision, but in the end it was the best for us.
Another key point is balancing the child’s needs/desires with the parents needs. For us, we could not sleep well with our son in our bed. We tried it for awhile and it just didn’t work for us. He moved around too much and made to much noise to sleep well. We found that he didn’t sleep well either because he thought is was play time. We were almost to the point of becoming resentful at him and that is no way to parent.
Today our son is 2 1/2 and sleeps fairly well. He doesn’t fight going to bed too much and sleeps until at least 5 am and then will sometimes go back to sleep if one of us goes to him. It’s key to keep your child’s temperament/personality in mind. We find that if our son skips his nap or has a extra busy/stimulating day, you can bet he will wake up at night. It’s the over-stimulation aspect again. On those nights, we don’t just let him cry because we know his little brain just can’t settle down. If one of us has to sleep with him for a night, then that’s okay and then we return to regular routine the next night.
Thanks again for this great article. Sorry for such a lengthy comment
I think over-stimulation was also an issue for BabyC, which explains why letting her cry in my arms didn’t help (even when I tried to be really really boring). And she also occasionally gets really worked up before a nap or at bedtime, and we will rub her back to help her calm down to go to sleep. I know that point of no return – happens after a busy day – when she just needs a little help to return to a calm state.
I really wish more people would talk about baby sleep. I didn’t even know that naps were important until my son’s 2nd month!
My son didn’t want to sleep from day one. Even the first week home from the hospital, he would spend 2-5 hours awake at a time, just looking around, completely content. I didn’t know that wasn’t okay!
He did have problems getting to sleep and we ended up sleep training at 2 months. By 3 months he slept through the night with a Dream Feed, and by 4 months we cut the feed and he did great for 11-13 hours. (a lot of people don’t think that is possible with a breastfed baby, but it was for ours) I used the methods from “The Baby Whisperer Solves all of your Problems by teaching you to ask the right questions.” I was very concerned that CIO would hurt him. At this point I wonder if all of the crying he did with me right there next to him, trying to comfort him in his crib hurt him. Night time didn’t take too long to get under control (a few days), but naps are still an issue at 9 months. I guess I’ve always gotten the timing wrong on naps, and he is super touchy about the timing. If it isn’t in the right 5 min increment, it will be a short nap.
I considered CIO for short naps and early wake-ups when he got over 6 months, but I don’t think it would work because he will whine for over an hour without crying. He throws up before he cries.
I learned a ton about sleep from the Baby Whisperer web forum and all the moms on there who donate help. http://www.babywhispererforums.com/index.php
Thank you for trying to separate the truth from fiction. I look forward to your articles!
Thank you so much for this blog post. When my son was 8 months old I tried this technique (very successfully I might add!) My son was settling fine at night but would not sleep during the day. I tried everything! I lay down in bed with him and breastfeed him and he would just kick me and scream! By the end if the day my placid little baby was a horrible, clingy little monster. On the advice of a friend I decided to try “controlled crying” and not without considerable guilt. I rang my sister several times to ask her if I was causing my son brain damage. My method was to sing him a bed time song, put him in his sleeping bag, give him a kiss and leave the room. If he was still crying after five minutes I went in and picked him up or gave him a top up feed. Within days he had got it. He now sleeps beautifully and we’re much happier all round.
We did the a modified method of Babywise with both our kids, while our first was sleeping through the night at 4 months old, our second took a bit longer to take to not waking up once or twice a night until he was 8 months old, but I think a lot of that was that he was sleeping in the room with us until he was 8 months old. I’ve honestly tried co-sleeping with both of them but they just do not sleep, it’s too fun to have mommy and daddy so close, why would they sleep? The crying even for just 5 minutes can be unbearable for the parents, so I get why co-sleeper vigilantes want to paint us sleep trainers as monsters but honestly, it is what works best for our family, and for many many families. It is so frustrating to be called a “child abuser” for doing something that is honestly best for your individual child. The thing that has driven me crazy is research on children from orphanages in Romania being used against sleep training. These children are rarely picked up or cuddled, using such extreme cases does not even compare to what sleep training actually is. This is why the Sears franchise makes me sick. The methods they are teaching aren’t necessarily bad, but using research that doesn’t apply to prove their way is the best is the kind of misleading that just makes my blood boil.
I have been wondering when you will cover “sleep training” and voila this article! I so look forward to hearing more.
Our story is similar. My baby boy had to be rocked in the arms & then for afternoon naps, we had to rock his basinette back n forth until we had decided we cannot go on like this (he was getting heavier etc) & we wanted him to learn the skill of self settling. After consulting many books including the government recommendations (we live in Australia), we decided to do controlled crying or CIO. Like you, it got better better with the first night being really terrible (no sleep for the hubby, myself & bub) then by 4th night, he had learnt to self settle then eventually sleep through the night as he also dropped night feeds too, which was around the 6 month mark.
However, we find that when he got sick or when his normal routine got disrupted (ie. slept over at cousins’), he would form a different sleep association & so we would have to “break” this and go through the whole process again. We have had to “train” him to overcome night waking & asking to sleep in the big bed, mommy/daddy staying in his room until he fell asleep & in the early days being rocked to sleep. Our current struggle at the moment ( he is now 2), is the mommy/daddy staying in the room until he fell asleep and constant night waking asking one of us to come in his room or for him to sleep in the big bed. All these he has overcome before but is now a problem that has come back after he spent a few days with my brother & his family & my toddler sleeping in the same bed as his aunt/uncle for 4 nights. He seems to be scared to be left all alone in his room though he doesn’t really say this. He can really keep himself awake making sure that he is not left alone! From being able to be left alone in a dark room, him self settling & waking up 10 hours later, it seems like he is a different child! After more than a week of being back from his cousins, he has finally slept through the night last night. We have temporarily given up on getting him to self settle as he is really quite stubborn now & would get out of his bed & follow myself or his dad if we get up to leave before he’s asleep! One night when we really tried a tough approach letting him cry while we left him upstairs (he wears a sleeping bag & knows not to attempt the steps), a distant neighbour (never seen her before) knocked & complained/threated to call child protection services! She had the nerve to assume that we were abusive parents when she didn’t know us from a bar of soap.
I’m really hoping that we will overcome these sleep associations like we did the others.
Thank you so much for posting this. It could be my story you’re writing. I write an advice blog in which I once tried to explain how this method had saved my sanity, and I think people did assume I was one of Those Terrible CIO Mothers. You’ll get nothing but support from this little black duck.
I love your post, great read. I have 2 beautiful kids that I have sleep trained using save our sleep. It was great!
Good for you for taking this on! Can hardly wait for the sciency part
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85 comments tells me this is a really hot topic! Is that more than vaccines? I’m really interested to know the result of your data-mining. What always bothered me about the CIO research is that they cite how much a child cries as a cause of brain damage. To me, the name CIO is a misnomer. My child has cried cumulatively less about sleep than he has about his obsession over sitting in the front seat of the car and my refusal to let him. Why can’t we call it the “Learn to Sleep On their Own” method. LSOO?
One thing I’m really interested in is the time-frame. It seems as though the parents who are most miserable are those who really would like their kids to sleep on their own, but don’t try sleep-training until 9 months or later. There is no way in the world I could bear the level of crying described by some of these poor mommies! I would simply crack. It is stories like those, experienced by very close friends and family, that got us so motivated early.
I feel a little bad that you second-guess your own decision because I’m sure I was the gateway to CIO for you. That is a little reminder to me that advice given, even with the best intentions, doesn’t work for everyone.
I agree – I think LSOO is a much better name for what we did! CIO is a very problematic term. I decided to keep using it because I think more people will read this if I use the dirty word, and in truth, that’s the word we use in our homes, even if it means different things to each of us.
Time-frame is fascinating. I know lots of people have read my story and thought – oh, 3 months, that is way too early. There may be something to that. But I also read the stories of people who sleep-trained later and found it much more difficult. The sleep associations run much deeper and their protests can seem so much more emotional. I’m sure there are certain developmental periods when it becomes easier and others when it becomes harder. I know I have a much harder time listening to BabyC cry now then I did when she was 3-4 months old, when she cried a LOT anyway, despite all of my efforts to soothe her.
As for you being the gateway – my response is that this whole sleep-training thing wouldn’t be so prevalent in our culture if it didn’t work, at least for some of us! We advise other parents on what saved us, and we wouldn’t give that advice if it didn’t work. That in and of itself is evidence of efficacy in my mind, but I’ll be looking at the research on efficacy of sleep training in a future post. I actually remember hiking with you and Sarah when BabyC was around 2 months and me already fretting about her difficulty in getting to sleep and the bouncing crutch. You told me, “She’s just a peanut, give her time.” That was good advice and helped me get through another month of bouncing:)
“What always bothered me about the CIO research is that they cite how much a child cries as a cause of brain damage. To me, the name CIO is a misnomer. My child has cried cumulatively less about sleep than he has about his obsession over sitting in the front seat of the car and my refusal to let him. Why can’t we call it the “Learn to Sleep On their Own” method. LSOO?”
Well first things first. Crying because he wants something he can’t have (ie. tantrum crying) is different to crying because he feels abandoned (even though we know that mummy is just in the next room, babies do not have the brain wiring yet to understand object permanence, that objects or people) continue to exist even when we can’t see them. Children typically begin to grasp this concept between 8 and 12 months of age.
Not only is the reason for those 2 cries different, the physiological reaction is also different. There is also evidence that a child that is being soothed when it is upset – even if it continues to be upset – does not display the same raised cortisol levels, thus a colicky child that is soothed might still continue to cry, but does not undergo the same stress as a child that is left alone.
And with regards to your suggestion of LSOO, there is such a term. it is called sleep training. Sleep training can have many different faces. CIO (“Cry it out” – crying without soothing) is one of them CC (“controlled comforting” / “controlled crying” – crying with intermittent soothing) is another. But there are as many different versions as there are families out there. I feel that calling it CIO when you’re really talking about a version of CC is confusing the issue a lot and endorsing a method that I don’t think you meant to endorse.
Also, I personally feel that efficacy is not a good measure of whether a method is appropriate. I can think of many things that were said to be very efficient but are now considered child abuse.
And just because something is done by many many people, does not mean it’s even efficient. Timed breastfeeds used to be advised and practiced by most. However we now know that it is very detrimental to breastfeeding and milk supply so not at all effective.
I am not judging anyone here, but I just wanted to clear up some of the rhetoric that is bothering me in this thread.
Hi Alex,
We do have a problem with terminology, don’t we? Thanks for pointing that out. I think CIO is used interchangeably in the U.S. with sleep training. The term controlled crying is not used here. I’m guessing you are Australian? Is that the commonly used term there? I suppose some in the U.S. call it “Ferberizing,” but others simply call it CIO. The anti-CIO articles that I see don’t distinguish between what you define as CIO and controlled crying, so I figured I would stick with the same terminology. Maybe I will use the term “sleep training” in future posts in order to be more general and not confuse my non-U.S. readers. Do you think that will help?
I agree with you that the cause of the crying could mean that it is a manifestation of a very different physiological response to the baby. I’ll be talking about that in my “risks of sleep training” post on cortisol and stress. I’m still buried in that research.
I am also working on a post on efficacy of sleep training, so hopefully I will address your concern about it there. This is an important question to me. I do believe that the quantity and quality of sleep of the family – baby and parents alike – can not be ignored as a benefit of sleep training. This is quite different from timed breastfeeds, which were found to be an inadequate way of providing nutrition to babies. Parents don’t sleep train because they are trying to be “efficient,” they sleep train because they want their babies to sleep better, and it is a bonus if mom and dad get more sleep, too.
As a side note, I have yet to find anything about parenting that is efficient:)
Also, I don’t see much rhetoric in this thread, and that makes me happy. I see parents sharing their experiences, each of which is valid.
Alice, great post! Thanks for sharing your experience. We feel we’ve been lucky with TK. He’ll be 6 mos in a week and a half and sleeps mostly through the night. He does usually wake up once and I’ve gotten into the habit of changing his diaper then. I find lately if we have a day where there is lots of stimulation or new things he is sure to wake up and cry. Otherwise, he occassionally sleeps through the night. I think however we’re approaching dropping from 3 naps to 2 so we’ll see how that goes. We did have a few weeks of restless nights around the 4 month wakeful period. This had to do with the *damn* binky being needed to fall back asleep (it was bad news – needing to be plopped back in each hour) but we worked with him and let him CIO a bit I suppose you could say and he seems to be over that now. Being home with him, I’ve been able to let him sort of lead to an extent. When he shows signs that he’s tired, he goes down for a nap but generally I’m mindful of how many hours it has been since he was last up. I forget what we were talking about, I think it may have been sleep training, but my pediatrician did remind me that I am the mother and for whatever reason that felt pretty empowering.
Looking forward to what you find!
First, I’m jealous. Second, you give me hope that my next baby could transition to sleep easier! I’m glad you have an easy-going guy, and I LOVE the sentiment from your pediatrician. I think we need to hear that more often – and be reminded that nobody know our baby like we do. The damn binky – like my exercise ball – falls into that category of being something we love and can’t live without for a while and then something that we hate and still can’t live without.
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I would like to thank you for your post. I am a mother of a 10 month old baby girl that dosn’t sleep and is now considering controlled crying methods to get her to sleep as I soon will be returning to work and I just don’t think I can continue getting up with her at night. It been a long 10 months for us with many ups and downs. I have read many books and talked to other mothers to try to find something that worked. In the end now at 10 months I am finally willing to try controlled crying, but I am still feeling guilty about it, as I never thought I would end up in this position. Through my research I have found many people and books for it and equally as many against it. So I am left with the thought that I know my daughter better than anyone in the would and want only the best for her and right now the best thing for her is sleep, but I am still left with the nagging qestioned have I made it harder for her by letting it go own for so long. I guess that is what is most hard about motherhood is that you never really know if you are doing the right thing, as evey child and family is different and you just to figure out what is right and will work for you and stop comparing your child and yourself to other. So in the end I am going to do the hardest thing in the world for me and let my child cry and hopefully we will all get some much needed rest and maybe even sleep a whole night within the next few weeks.
Hi Linda,
I know it is the hardest thing in the world to do, but you are right that you know your child better than anyone, and you also know what your family needs better than anyone. Our instinct tells us that we don’t want to hear our babies cry, but it also might tell us that it is time for everyone to get some sleep! Best of luck:)
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